


Forever Is Composed Of Nows

by Wapwani



Category: Last Tango In Halifax
Genre: F/F, Post-Canon, trying to make the best of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-05
Updated: 2015-03-05
Packaged: 2018-03-16 09:32:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3483197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wapwani/pseuds/Wapwani
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story is about Caroline's journey, and how she may feel about and react to Kate's death.</p><p>I wrote this as a way to help me process through Caroline's story post-series 3. I was trying to work out how Caroline would face the aftermath of losing Kate. I'm fairly sure series 4 won't pay much attention to this aspect of her story, so I needed to work through how Caroline would cope. </p><p>This is a stand-alone story. I needed to get it out of my system to be able to do the fix-it, 'Kate didn't die' story. So, this story was a necessary evil.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> * Poem fragments at the start of each section, translations of Sappho’s works, taken from here: http://www.uh.edu/~cldue/texts/sappho.html and here http://www.poetryintranslation.com/PITBR/Greek/Sappho.htm 
> 
> * Title from Emily Dickinson’s Forever – is composed of Nows -
> 
> * With thanks to notatreblemaker for beta-reading and on-point suggestions.

> _I would much prefer to see the lovely_
> 
> _way she walks and the radiant glance of her face_

Caroline bounced Flora on her knee. Usually this elicited a happy chuckle, but today Flora was battling a cold, and this made her grizzly. The doctor's waiting room was decorated in bright, happy colours, but populated with sniffling, sad babies - a contrast that always made Caroline feel a little on edge. It didn't help that Flora's regular doctor was away on his holidays, leaving her daughter to the fates of an unknown replacement. One of the other mothers in the waiting room had assured her that Doctor Pathan was really very good with the children, and obviously knew her stuff, but Caroline was still nervous about any change in their regular routine. At some level she was well aware that she was being unreasonably cautious and overly protective, but this didn't stop her from verging on panic any time something happened that could introduce risk into their lives. To be fair, she wasn't like this all the time, not anymore. But this was a difficult time for Caroline. Flora was nearly a year old, and Caroline wasn't entirely sure how she would mark the day. What do you do to recognise the day that your daughter was born  _and_ your wife died? A jolly little party with a few of Flora's playground friends and their mothers, while traditional, seemed too cheerful a response, with a glaring absence of Kate. A graveside party though, with Flora in a little party dress, and cake and balloons, seemed too morbid. Caroline felt herself on the verge of hysterical laughter, and took a deep breath, battling for the calm focus that usually helped her through moments like this.

She missed Kate. She missed hearing her voice, missed seeing her. Soon after Kate had died, Caroline had started having what she called 'visits' - conversations with her dead wife where she'd been able to pretend that Kate was sitting there and talking to her about Flora and their lives and choices, and they'd been able to discuss the minutiae and the big things as though they were still together, as though Kate had never been torn from them by a random twist of fate. She hadn't had one of these visits for a few months now. If she had bothered to see a grief counselor, she'd probably have been told that this was a sign that she had moved through her grieving process and was ready to move on with her life despite the Kate-shaped hole in it. She despised that language. Grief wasn't a 'process', like following a recipe or putting together a piece of furniture. You didn't finish it, and you certainly didn't get something at the end of it, like a sort of prize. Grief was just grief - the way she felt changed from day to day, but her sense of losing Kate was always with her, just as her love for her had never disappeared.

A lot of that love had spilled over onto Flora. Caroline would never be sure if she'd have loved Flora any more or any less if Kate had lived. All she could be sure of was that she loved her daughter with a fullness that surprised her. It had taken her a long time to get to the stage where her emotional strength had caught up to the level of that love, for her to get to a point where she could take care of Flora without feeling drained of all energy and completely useless as a parent. She'd made some difficult decisions, not least the decision to allow Greg into Flora's life. She didn't regret that decision. Greg had bought her some breathing room, had allowed her to give herself the space to regroup and reassess what she was capable of. For that she would be grateful. But Flora was hers, and when she had finally made that connection, she had reclaimed her daughter and her house. To give Greg his due, he had done what he had promised, and had made no further claim on Flora. Perhaps someday Caroline would be willing to allow him back into the periphery of Flora's life, but until then, she would be Flora's sole parent. So she had packed Greg back off to Manchester with his comic books, told Lawrence in no uncertain terms that his brief holiday of being allowed to act like a twat was over, rearranged her schedules to allow her to spend as much time as possible with Flora, and found and thoroughly vetted a nanny who, while she wasn't quite Mary Poppins, was virtually perfect. That was about the time Kate's visits had stopped. Caroline hadn't even noticed until she'd been lying in bed one night reading a book on Italian history, thought 'gosh, Kate would love this', and then been caught in a rack of guilt when she realised she hadn't 'talked' to Kate in weeks. No matter how much she'd tried, she couldn't conjure the image of Kate, and she'd spent the rest of the night muffling her sobs with her pillow - also something she hadn't done for weeks. 

In those dark hours, where even getting out bed required too much energy, she had teetered on the edge of another breakdown. But life is relentless, and in the morning Flora still needed to be changed and fed and cuddled and loved. Sulgrave Heath still needed its Headteacher to come in and take assembly and manage and lead students and teachers into being their very best. Lawrence still needed a firm but loving hand. Celia still needed to be told that despite her shortcomings, Caroline loved her. There was so much need that leaving even a temporary Caroline-shaped hole in this world did not bear thinking of. There would be too much mess to clean up after she'd picked herself back up again. And so she'd soldiered on. And eventually she'd realised that she wasn't 'soldiering' anymore, instead her daily life was shaping up into some form of routine that made sense and didn't feel wrong or a bad fit. And if every so often she had dark moments when she realised that she still missed Kate, then that was just part of her life now. This current dark moment was triggered by the upcoming double-anniversary of birth and death, and it was making the small hiccups of life seem so much more portentous.

 

"It's just a cold," she told herself for what seemed to be the hundredth time that morning. "Doctor Pathan is perfectly well-qualified. She won't miss anything." 'Perfectly well-qualified' for Caroline meant a medical degree from Imperial and post-grad research work with a unit based out of Cambridge. (She didn't think it was being excessively cautious to google Doctor Rebecca Pathan while she'd sat waiting, trying to comfort an uncomfortable Flora.)

By the time it was eventually their turn with the doctor, Caroline had worked herself up into a mini-panic, and it didn't help that Flora's grizzling had escalated to full on howls as soon as she'd caught sight of the unfamiliar doctor's face. 

Doctor Pathan did try, saying soothing things and trying to distract Flora with toys, making sure she warmed her stethoscope before she put it anywhere near the baby's skin, but Flora wasn't about to be appeased. She howled through the entire examination, and Caroline got more and more upset with every cry. 

"She knows her own mind eh?" the doctor said jokingly as she handed Flora back to Caroline and moved back behind her desk. 

"I beg your pardon?"

"She - Flora - she's umm..." the doctor's voice withered away in the face of Caroline's glare.

"Are you saying my daughter is stroppy?"

"What? No!"

"Because she's not."

"Of course not."

"She's ill!"

"Yes."

"Can't you tell that??"

"Well, yes, I can-"

"She's running a temperature!"

"Yes a small one."

"Are you saying I'm imagining things???" Caroline's voice was getting louder. She could hear herself losing control.

"No! Ms Dawson -"

"McKenzie-Dawson!"

"I'm so sorry. Ms McKenzie-Dawson, your daughter, Flora, she has a cold."

"I _know_ that! I could have told you that!"

"Yes. Of course. Other than that though, she's fine. Really. Look, here, give her some of this and-" the doctor hastily scribbled a prescription. "Lots of fluid, lots of rest. For both of you. Oh dear. I didn't mean that last part quite how-"

But it was too late. Caroline had risen from her seat like an avenging angel with a snotty-nosed cherub cradled in her arms, snatched the piece of paper out of Doctor Pathan's hapless grip, fixed her with one last withering glare, and marched out of the consulting room. 

Her anger carried her through a visit to the pharmacist and the short drive home. It wasn't until she'd got Flora comfortable and asleep in her little cot in the nursery that Caroline allowed the tears to come. She knew she had over-reacted, had seen and heard an attack where none had been meant, but she had been unable to stop herself. Her panic had made her brittle and fragile, and the only way she knew how to react to that feeling was to strike out as hard as she could. 

By late afternoon she was still feeling shaky and morose, though not quite as tearful. The phone rang just as she'd settled down with a cup of tea. She expected to hear her mother's voice, calling long-distance from Australia. Celia and Alan had been traveling the world, like they'd planned before the business with Gary had side-tracked them. She thought they were at a kangaroo rescue park this week, and expected to be filled in on all the latest in hot Australian gossip.

Instead, the voice on the phone was only vaguely familiar. "Ms McKenzie-Dawson? This is Doctor Pathan."

Oh god. "Hello."

"I'm sorry to call you at home. I hope I'm not disturbing you."

"Is everything all right? With Flora?"

The panic flared again, but only briefly, as the doctor hastened to say, "Oh, it's nothing like that. As I said, it's a cold. I'm sorry. I keep upsetting you. That is not at all my intent."

"Was there something you wanted?" Her voice was cold now.

"I am sorry about how this morning's visit went. I wanted to be sure you were okay."

"Flora didn't like you."

"No. She didn't. Is she usually a good judge of character?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Well, she must be the 10% then."

"I beg your pardon?"

"9 out of 10 babies think I'm great."

"You're not really helping here, doctor."

She barely heard the muttered "Shit." Then, "Sorry. Look, I really am sorry. I'm not worried about Flora. She has a cold. You are a good mother, and you are doing all the right things, and with some rest and fluids, and something to bring her temperature down, she will be fine. You however, you I  _am_ worried about."

"Is this really your business, doctor?"

"Yes it is actually, because you are my patient's primary care giver, and if you aren't okay, how are you going to be able to take care of her?" She could hear the lightness in the woman's voice, could hear her trying to take the humourous approach to this, but she still chose to be angry.

"I would thank you to stick to taking care of your patients. I am not one of them. And after today's performance, neither is Flora."

"Ms McKenzie-Dawson -"

"Goodbye." It felt satisfying to hang up on her. 

 

Despite Caroline’s misgivings about the doctor, Flora did improve. By Saturday morning, she was well enough for Caroline to pack up some toys and snacks and all the other bits and pieces that were needed to spend a few hours out of doors with a baby and head out to the local park for what had become a regular outing.

Caroline hadn't thought she would enjoy the play dates in the park. A group of women gathered every Saturday, if the weather was nice, to allow their children to socialise and play while they had some adult conversation that wasn't entirely about feedings and teethings and cats in hats. Nothing about this had sounded appealing to Caroline, but Greg had taken Flora so often that it had seemed unfair to stop her going just because he was no longer part of her daily life. It had surprised Caroline how much she had enjoyed it, finding that shared experiences made unlikely companions of a quite eclectic group of women. It warmed her too that none of them had ever mentioned, even in passing, that they missed Greg. The group had seen her pain and need, and had responded by welcoming her into their midst without making a big fuss of it. Caroline found it comforting to have even this small a space where she could find an uncomplicated acceptance and know that someone was looking forward to seeing her.

They weren't all mothers at the playgroup; take Mary for instance, a retired teacher who was taking care of her daughter's son Ben, while her daughter worked on an oil rig in the North Sea. Ben was a particular favourite of Flora's, and the two of them spent ages babbling at each other and building ridiculous things with blocks and plasticine. Then there was Merle, an artist and adoptive mother to a pair of twin girls. Merle had been the first of the group to envelope Caroline in warmth and compassion, when she'd showed up at her first Saturday without Greg, shaky and over-compensating by being too hearty and cheerful. Their four children had formed a bond of friendship; it was logical that the three women also found themselves drawn together, helped not inconsiderably by the fact that they were more or less the same ages, separated by only a handful of years. They understood the challenges that came with being older caregivers of energetic young children, and commiserated with and supported each other through their more difficult phases.

This particular morning when Caroline arrived with Flora, she saw the twins on their own, playing on a blanket on a patch of grass. She could see Mary over by the swings, where Ben and a few other children were taking turns swooping back and forth. While there were a few other mums close by the girls, one of them laying on the ground close to the blanket, with her back to her, Caroline didn’t see Merle anywhere. She carried Flora over to the blanket, and got the girls set up with some of the toys she had brought. Millie and Lauren were a little more than year older than Flora, and were always excited to see her. They took her immediately under their wings, and Caroline stepped back a bit to allow them a little space to play. She needed to stay close by for her own peace of mind, but also didn’t want to get in the way of one of Flora’s few chances to connect to other children her own age. Caroline sensed the mother who had been lying on the ground getting to her feet, and paused her backward movement before she stepped on her. As she neared her, the woman spoke.

“Fancy seeing you here Ms. McKenzie-Dawson”

Oh god. “Doctor Pathan? What on earth are you doing here?”

“I’m with Millie and Lauren.”

“But you’re not their mum!”

“No, they’re my Aunt Merle’s.”

“Your _aunt_.” Merle was a willowy blue-eyed blonde, obviously Caucasian. Doctor Pathan on the other hand was a tall, broad shouldered, dark-haired woman, with startlingly pale green eyes, who Caroline had assumed was either of mid-Eastern or Indian descent.

“Mmhmm. I’m helping babysit while she’s on tour.” An uncomfortable pause, then, “Look, I’d like to apologise again – it was unprofessional of me, swearing on the phone like that.”

“ _That’s_ what you want to apologise for?”

“Yeah. My language sometimes gets a bit shocking when there’s no kids around.”

“Really? Your language warrants an apology, but not calling me up out of the blue at home, like you’re some kind of over-eager social worker making sure that I am in a fit state to parent my own child?”

“That wasn’t at all my intent!”

“You keep saying that! What exactly _was_ your intent, doctor?”

“I was worried about you! You were obviously tired and stressed, and I know what that feels like when you have to juggle a hundred different things, and you were trying so hard to not show all that, and I was just worried. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” Caroline let the blurting rush of words wash over her.

“You don’t need to worry about me.”

“Yeah. You made that clear.”

“I’m fine.”

“Yeah.”

More uncomfortable silence while they watched the children roll around and laugh. Then one of the twins toddled over towards the doctor, arms outstretched, calling out “’becca! ‘becca!”

“Uh oh. Looks like I’m on horsie duty.” There was definite relief in her voice as she allowed herself to be led away. “Don’t worry, I won’t scare Flora!” she called back over her shoulder.

“You’d better bloody not.” Caroline muttered under her breath, watching intently to see how quickly Flora would start crying again at the sight of the doctor. To her frustration, her daughter suddenly seemed to be perfectly content around the woman, even chuckling with glee when her turn came to be hoisted up onto her shoulders and trotted around.

“She’s good with kids that one.”  
Caroline nodded hello to Mary, not taking her eyes off Flora. Doctor Pathan was being very gentle, and very careful, but Caroline was still anticipating the worst.

“I didn’t know Merle had a niece.”

“Oh aye. She’s brought Rebecca by a few times. Before your time though, so you wouldn’t have met her. She’s Toddy’s sister’s first born.”

“She’s a pediatrician. Locuming at our clinic.”

“Hmm. She’s moving from research back to practice apparently. ‘Back to the real world’ Merle calls it.”

“Flora didn’t like her.”

“Oh?” Flora’s chuckles rang clear across the grass. “Well, she seems okay with her now.”

“Yes. Well. She was sick.”

“Makes her grumpy.”

“Yeah.”

They watched Rebecca place Flora carefully on the grass then, with great dramatic flair, crumple slowly to the ground. Three delighted girls immediately started using her as a climbing frame. Rebecca howled in mock-protest as the babies clambered all over her. Mary snorted with laughter, “Come on, we’d best go rescue her.”

Somehow Mary managed to scoop all three girls up off the fallen doctor, and wandered over to the swings where her grandson and a few other children were still playing under the watchful eye of the other mums. That left Caroline looking down at the prone Rebecca.

“Are you all right?”

“I may never gallop again.”

“Yeah. I’d keep my day job if I were you.”

“You’re a harsh critic Ms. McKenzie-Dawson. Being a horsie is hard work!”

“You can call me Caroline you know.”

“I didn’t want to take any liberties,” the doctor grinned up her, crinkling the edges of her eyes. “I’m Rebecca by the way.”

“So I’ve heard.”


	2. Chapter 2

>      _and your enticing laughter—_
> 
> _that indeed has stirred up the heart in my breast._

 

There was something disarming about Rebecca Pathan. Caroline wasn’t entirely sure how she managed it, but somehow the combination of her irreverence and impudent smile made people trust her. Caroline would have thought that parents would be more comfortable with a measured, mature and composed medical professional. Not Rebecca’s brand of impish good humour. But somehow, it worked. The children really did like her, and she was a good doctor, and the women at the park thought she was good fun and trustworthy, and Caroline found herself in a position she greatly disliked – having to admit to herself that she may have been wrong about someone. Not that it mattered, because now that she had fired Doctor Pathan as Flora’s pediatrician, there was really no reason she need ever see the woman again.

Except it seemed that the fates had other ideas.

 

It was so late on Thursday night that it was virtually Friday morning. Caroline was at a fund-raising event for an international outreach programme that Sulgrave Heath’s Year 12s were organising. The students were trying to raise enough money to help build and outfit a clinic in a remote village in Nigeria. It was a very useful service project, of which Caroline was particularly proud as her students were working very closely with a group of Nigerian students, and the exchange really was benefitting the village as much as it was helping her Year 12s grow and mature. This particular fund-raiser was an endurance race of sorts; teams of students would run in shifts around the playing field all night. Caroline had done what any good headteacher would, and taken on chaperoning duties for the worst shift from 1:00 to 6:00am. Flora was safely at home with Lilly, the trusted nanny, but even so Caroline had one hand on her phone as she walked around the field; she didn’t want to miss any calls in case of an emergency. As she passed by the volunteer-manned first aid tent, a familiar voice called out “Good morning _Doctor_ McKenzie-Dawson.”

Oh god. “Doctor Pathan.” She kept walking, but Rebecca fell in step with her.

“I didn’t realise you were the Head here! I only just recognised your name on the letters of permission today.”

“Yes. Well. I am. Headteacher.”

“ _And_ a doctor.”

“Of Chemistry. Not – “ she gestured at Rebecca.

“Oh that’s all right. I won’t hold it against you.”

Caroline shook her head in amused annoyance. “What exactly are you doing here Doctor Pathan?”

“Volunteering in the first aid tent.”

“Yes. I gathered that. But why? I wouldn’t think my students were in your regular age-range.”

“Actually some of my research work was with teenagers. Babies and teenagers. Not the inbetweeners though. And I see all ages at the clinic.”

“Do you do a lot of volunteer work then?”

“I do. I’m here today though because my brother went here. Oh, years ago now. But he loved it. So I’m doing it for him really.”

Caroline looked up at her; there was enough light from the floodlights dotting the field to see the other woman’s face. “Seriously?”

“Seriously what? I do have a brother who studied here! He’s in Canada now though.”

“It’s a bit ridiculous, all these coincidences. If I didn’t know better I’d think you were stalking me.” Before Rebecca could respond with something no-doubt flippant, Caroline stopped walking. “Sorry. It’s not that I’m not grateful to you for helping out, but … I would much rather walk alone.”

“Of course.”

“I always walk here alone.” Caroline said quietly.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude.”

“I have a lot to think about.”

“Of course.”

“Good night.”

She did have a lot to think about. Flora’s birthday was just over a week away, and she still hadn’t come to any decisions. Alan and Celia would be back home from their Australian adventure in a few days, and she’d like to be able to tell them she had a plan. She certainly didn’t want the day to go unremarked, but she was still grappling with how she could both celebrate her daughter and commemorate her wife. This was one of the few times in her life she would have liked to have a stronger sense of faith; the Church had little comfort to offer her in the form of answers when Kate had died. And Caroline had wanted, had been desperate for, an answer to her anguished cries of “why?” It had taken her a long time to realise that the only honest answer to that question was “because”, and she had come to that realisation on her own.

As she walked her solitary path around the playing field, she allowed herself to think of what Kate may have wanted to do for Flora’s birthday. A cake. Probably home made, with sloppy icing, because for all her good points, Kate wasn’t at her best in the kitchen. There would have been music. And singing. And laughter. And tears too, because Kate was sentimental, and her heart would have been overflowing with happiness, and she always cried when she was happy. Caroline found herself choking back sudden, bitter sobs. And damnit if Rebecca Pathan wasn’t suddenly at her side again.

“Caroline?”

“I am _fine._ ”

“Of course. Here.” She handed her a handkerchief (an actual linen handkerchief! Who used those anymore?!) And then stepped back, leaving Caroline to continue her lonely walk.

Three more circuits of the field, and Caroline had calmed, and had a plan. After some consideration, she stopped at the first aid tent and sought out Rebecca. The doctor was sitting with her feet propped up on a table, reading a comic book. Caroline sighed. She’d had enough comic books to last her a lifetime. When Rebecca saw her, she came upright very quickly, and dropped the comic on the table. “Do you need something? Can I help?”

“I wanted to say thank you. For the handkerchief. Do you mind if I return it later – it’ll need laundering.”

“Keep it. I have loads.” She pulled another one from her jeans pocket, and Caroline laughed.

“Why on earth … I don’t know anyone in this day and age who still uses proper handkerchiefs.”

“Not everyone had my granny for a granny.”

“Oh?”

“She’d send us off to school every morning with one of these pinned to our chests.”

An image flashed into Caroline’s mind of a dark-haired imp of a girl, her incongruously green eyes flashing defiance, wearing a well-ironed uniform, with a neat linen triangle held to her pinafore with a safety pin. “That didn’t really happen, did it?”

“You have no idea how old-school my gran was. She made her own handkerchiefs. Embroidered them herself and everything. Did yours never –“

“My gran died when I was very young.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

Caroline shrugged. “You can’t miss something you never had.”

A thoughtful pause, then Rebecca responded in a neutral tone, “That may be so. Anyway, gran’s example stuck. And now I always have handkerchiefs with me. Come in handy for emergency first aid too. They’re better for mopping up blood and tying round cuts and grazes than a paper tissue.”

“I am assuming this tent is better equipped than that.”

Rebecca grinned, “Marginally. We _do_ have copious amounts of tea. May I offer you a cup?”

Caroline found herself accepting, and settling at the table while Rebecca prepared two cups of tea. She couldn’t help glancing down at the garishly coloured comic and sighed again. At least it wasn’t one of Greg’s.

“Do you read this title?” Rebecca asked as she placed Caroline’s cup down by her elbow.

Caroline shook her head, “I’m not really a big comic book fan.”

“I suppose in your job you don’t need the kids to see you as a pal.”

“Not really. Is that why you read these?”

“Helps to have something in common with your patients. You can’t play horsie with everyone.”

“I’m incredibly impressed at all the sacrifices you make for your profession.”

Rebecca laughed, “Have I told you you’re a harsh critic Doctor McKenzie-Dawson?”

Caroline ignored that. “How is Merle? Flora missed her on Saturday.”

“She’s grand. She gets back later today actually. You’ll see her at the park, if you go this weekend.”

“It was kind of you to bring the girls out.”

“Ah, it was fun. They’re great girls. As is Flora. She’s a sweetie.”

“Yes, I think so. But I may be a bit biased.”

“No. She is objectively a sweetie.”

Caroline found herself smiling and relaxing into her seat and into the conversation. She stiffened and got to her feet abruptly. “I’d best get back out there, keep an eye on things.”

“Of course.”

“Thank you for the tea.”

“Anytime.”

 

She spent the rest of the night walking around the field, speaking encouragingly to students, having quiet conversations with the handful of parents who had also shown up to help out, and generally staying as far away from the first aid tent as she could. But at 6:30, when everyone had finally left and she and a few helpers were clearing away the last of the detritus of the night, Rebecca sought her out.

“’morning Caroline. Did you get any sleep?”

“No. I’ll head home for a few hours though.”

“You’re not back at work today?”

“No. No school today.”

“Oh. Well, would you like to grab some breakfast then, once we’ve got all this sorted?”

“I’ve got to get home to Flora.”

“Right. Of course. Bring her with? A few of us are going to this great little café by the market. They do amazing fry-ups. Just what the doctor ordered. Literally.”

Caroline didn’t respond to the invitation, instead asking, “Did you have a good night?”

“Yeah. I have to say, I was a bit bored though. No crises or anything. I was a bit disappointed.”

“I beg your pardon. Are you telling me, the headteacher of this establishment, that you are disappointed that my students made good choices and stayed safe under quite difficult circumstances?”

“Well, they could have spiced it up a _little_ bit.” Rebecca wasn’t looking at Caroline as she spoke, otherwise she may have noticed the dark clouds descending over her face. “I mean, I’m not asking for a life-threatening accident, but a little blood and gore-“

“Excuse me.”

By the time Rebecca did look up, Caroline had stridden half-way across the field.

“Damn it.”

“What’s the matter?” asked one of the parent volunteers who had wandered over dragging a big black bag of trash behind her.

“I’ve upset Caroline. Again. I’m never sure what will set her off.”

“What’d you do this time?”

“Nothing really! I was kidding around, saying that I’d’ve liked an accident last night, to keep me-“

“Oh dear.”

“What.”

“That may have hit a little close to the bone for her.”

“What d’you mean?”

“Do you not know?”

“Know what?”

“You know she’s widowed right?”

“No. Shit. It’s bad isn’t it? I’ve done something stupid.”

“It would’ve been a year ago now if I’m remembering right. Car accident. Horrible tragedy.”

“Oh shit. No one told me!”

“No, we don’t talk about it much here. Caroline had such a hard time of it. It was horrible. The day after they got married, her pregnant wife is killed and she’s left a widowed mother to a newborn.”

“ _What?_ Good Christ. That’s … that’s…my god.”

“I know.”

“How is she still sane?!”

“Well. She’s Caroline. I mean, it wasn’t easy for her. But she…well, she’s Caroline.”

“Bugger. Sorry. Look can you finish here? I’ve got to go find her!” Without waiting for a response, Rebecca took off running after Caroline. She found her supervising the breaking of the tents, a distracted look on her face.

“Caroline –“

“Not now please Doctor.”

“Caroline, please. I just want to say, I am so sorry. I didn’t know. I am an idiot, but my stupidity in this instance came from ignorance. I didn’t know about the accident. I am so so sorry. I’ll shut up now.”

“You didn’t know-“

“No one told me!”

“I suppose there’s no reason for them to. It’s not like I hand out pamphlets when I meet someone new.”

“I am so sorry. I truly truly do not _mean_ to be an insensitive git. But apparently that’s all I’m good at doing around you.”

Caroline looked at the earnest face and sighed. “It’s all right.”

“No, it’s not. I’m sorry I caused you pain.”

“Rebecca, really. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“Will you let me buy you breakfast? Please? I promise to not put my foot in it again.”

“Fine chance.” But there was a ghost of a smile on her face when she said it. Rebecca responded to that slight opening with her cheeky grin.

“Fair enough. I’ve not got the best track record in that department. How about if I promise to try? And if I do say something idiotic, please, would you tell me? I’ll add it to my running tally.”

“Are you made of rubber or something?” Caroline said, slightly incredulous, “You keep bouncing back like-“

“I’m tenacious. That’s a _good_ thing.”

“Not from where I’m standing.”

“Oh. Okay. Sorry.” The look on her face was so crestfallen, that Caroline felt her resolve crumbling.

“Oh for heaven’s sake. Look, I’m really not in the mood for breakfast and conversation. Okay? I just want to go home and see my daughter and get some sleep. I’m sorry if I’m coming across as harsh. But that’s me. If you don’t like it, you can always stop – whatever it is you’re trying to do.”

“To be friendly.”

“What?”

“What I’m trying to do. I’m trying to be friendly.”

“Oh.” A pause. “Why?”

Rebecca shrugged. “I don’t know that there’s a reason. I thought we could be friends, that’s all.”

“What on earth gave you that idea?”

“I think you’re interesting.” Rebecca said with a good-natured smile. “You’re a challenge. I like challenges. And you’ve got a sense of humour when you let it out. I think it’d be fun – hanging out with you.”

“I don’t think I can be friends with someone who uses a vulgar phrase like ‘hanging out’.”

“Ooh, hang on, I’m adding that to my list.”

“You are… _impossible,_ ” Caroline muttered. “I am going home. I am not going to breakfast with you. Tell Merle I said hello.” She marched firmly away, a lot less upset than she thought she would be.


	3. Chapter 3

> _But come, dear companions,_
> 
> _For day is near._

 

Saturday morning was bright and glorious, and Caroline was glad for the distraction of a visit to the park. She had spent most of her day off working on part of her plan for Flora’s birthday. She had started a scrapbook containing all the memories and mementos she had of Kate. Pictures of Kate at the piano, of her messy and happy in the garden, of her working on Flora’s nursery; notes she had left Caroline; copies of emails where they’d talked about Kate’s day while she was at home and Caroline was at work; all the little things they’d said and hoped for about their daughter; little poems and letters that Kate had started writing to her unborn child. Caroline wanted Flora to know that her mother had loved her, that even though twisted chance had taken her from them, that Caroline had never forgot her, and that Kate would always be a part of their lives. This would be Flora’s first birthday present. A sort of time-capsule of both her mothers’ love for their daughter. When Flora was older, she’d try to explain the significance of her gift, but until then, Caroline would use this scrapbook to tell Flora the story of her. All the advice books she’d read had said she would ask, that she would want to know where she came from, and this book of memories would help Caroline help her daughter understand.

Putting the book together had left her drained and brittle, and she realised she needed to get out of the house and into the light, and around the women she knew would distract her with their cheerfulness and camaraderie. She was glad to see Mary and Merle were already there when they arrived. She put Flora down next to Ben and the twins, unpacking her soft blocks and various other bits and pieces, then went over to talk to her friends. And they were friends she had realised. Not just acquaintances she had a passing, if useful, relationship with. These were women who she felt a connection with, and whom she looked forward to seeing. She didn’t know why it had taken her so long to come to this awareness, but it made her greetings slightly warmer than usual, and she hugged Merle saying, “Welcome back. We missed you!”

Merle gave a pleased laugh “Ah that’s sweet of you to say. I hope Rebecca behaved herself.”

“Oh she was great with Flora. They had a good time together.”

“Yeah, she mentioned.”

“She’s not here today then?”

“No, she’s off doing a conference.”

The conversation moved on to other things, ranging from how Mary’s daughter coped with the demands of being one of the few women on the oil rig, to the gallery exhibitions that Merle had just returned from, where she had been showing her sculptures. Before they left the park, Caroline had invited both women and their children to the house on Flora’s birthday, the following Saturday.

“It won’t be a big fuss. Just cake and some games in the garden.”

“Sounds like fun.” Mary said. “Of course we’ll come.”

“My mum and Alan will be back, the boys’ll be there, and Gillian’ll bring Calamity round. So it’ll be just us really.”

“We’ll make sure Flora has a grand time.” Merle said. She hugged Caroline suddenly. “You let me know if I’m putting my nose where it’s not wanted, but if you need anything, you just sing out, ok?”

“We know it must be tough for you.” Mary agreed, “And we wanted you to know – you’re not alone.”

Caroline managed to hold back the tears stinging in her eyes, but her voice still shook when she said “Thank you.”


	4. Chapter 4

> _And when I die I shall not be forgotten._

 

The week went by without much incident. Celia and Alan returned in a flurry of suitcases and gifts, including a sleep set that looked like a koala, which Flora, much to Caroline’s disgust, fell instantly in love with and refused to take off. They only stayed a couple of nights in Harrogate before heading up to the farm to see Gillian and Raff, and take Calamity a matching sleep set, only this one looked like a kangaroo. Caroline was on the phone to Gillian warning her about what was heading her way in terms of ridiculous presents.

“They’re ok though, other than being naff shoppers?”

“Yeah. I think they’ve come to terms with Gary. Being away has obviously done them some good.”

“I’m not sure I’ve forgiven him.” Gillian said seriously. “I know he’s my dad, but this – this selling out to Gary still seems like a bit too much.”

“I’ve forgiven my mum far worse. She’s my mum. That’s what you do, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I bet Celia thinks so.”

“Let’s not fight about this Gillian.”

“Okay. Fine. We’re still on for Saturday, right? Need me to bring anything?”

“Yes to Saturday. No, I don’t need anything. Thanks.”

She really did not need help with the party. Between them, and over her not-very forceful protests, Mary and Merle had taken over the organising, sorting out sandwiches and balloons and party music. Caroline had been glad for their insistence on helping. She didn’t really have the energy to worry about such details, not when she was still verging on panic every time Flora coughed or Lawrence was late home from school. Thanks to her friends, all Caroline would have to do on Saturday would be to make a cake, and ice it the way she thought Kate would have. Lilly would be there as well, because by this point she was more like family than an employee, and they both knew that it was natural to include her in this gathering. Both her sons would be there too. William was going to come down on the train just for the day, and she’d told Lawrence he could invite Angus if he liked, and both boys had agreed to come, although she suspected it was Angus’s good manners that had swayed that decision. At any rate, Flora’s birthday was shaping up to be a nice little family get-together, exactly the sort of thing she knew Kate would have liked.

So her emotions as she got Flora ready on Saturday morning were bitter-sweet. Their first stop of the day was at the cemetery. She had decided it wasn’t too morbid if just her and Flora went to put flowers on Kate’s gravestone and allow Caroline to have a quiet cry before facing the rest of the family. She didn’t come to Kate’s grave very often. Caroline didn’t allow herself many opportunities for introspection. She would much rather just get on with things, keeping her emotions internal and quiet. On this day though, she felt it was the right thing for her to do, to spend a few minutes remembering that day, to tell Flora how it had happened, how things had changed so quickly from happy to devastating, but that even though they’d had a shaky start, Caroline was so very very glad to have her.

By the time they got home Mary and Merle were there, the boys were helping them set up tables in the garden, and Caroline had some baking to do. There was little time to think about missing Kate, even though memories of her were everywhere. Her favourite music was playing, and her picture was on the kitchen counter as Caroline mixed the batter to make Kate’s favourite cake. Caroline knew that as Flora grew she may develop different tastes, but on her first birthday, they’d eat what Kate would have liked.

It was turning into a strangely happy day for Caroline. Flora was playing contentedly with Lilly and her little friends, Caroline’s sons and friends were joking and chattering all around her, and her home felt like it was filled with love and warmth. When the group from the farm showed up, Caroline was relaxed and laughing, and was able to greet everyone with genuine warmth, and not feel guilty about being happy. The others took their lead from her, and their afternoon was light-hearted. When Caroline brought out the cake, everyone was very polite about it, as even though it was uncharacteristically poorly decorated it still tasted delicious. Caroline quite proudly took a picture of the cake, which she’d add to Flora’s scrapbook. It’d be a private story for the two of them in years to come.

Sitting at the table in the afternoon sunlight, watching Flora surrounded by friends and family enjoying themselves, Caroline felt a weight lift from her heart. She had dreaded this day for so long, worried that she would let Kate down or do wrong by Flora. But she had somehow managed to find the balance she’d wanted. So it was a Caroline with walls lowered who answered the doorbell when it rang.

“Doctor Pathan?”

“Am I already in trouble?” When Caroline looked inquisitorial at her comment, she continued “You usually only call me ‘Doctor Pathan’ when I’ve said something stupid.”

Caroline sighed. “Hello Rebecca. How can I help you?”

“I’m here to pick up Aunt Merle.”

“Oh. Sorry. Of course, come in.”

“I don’t want to intrude.”

“Not at all.”

“I know this is a special day – I don’t want to get in the way.”

“Rebecca, if I didn’t want you to come in, I wouldn’t have asked.”

“Right.” She stepped into the house, looked around and said “Wow. Your home is gorgeous. Very you.” To Caroline’s raised eyebrow, she hurriedly added “Tasteful – good sense of colour, comfortable….you can stop me any time.”

“Come and have some cake.”

“Ooh. I love cake.”

“Of course you do.” Caroline’s good mood continued even in the onslaught of Rebecca’s cheerful cheekiness.

As soon as they made it into the garden however, Rebecca was mobbed by three small children. Caroline left her to cries of ‘horsie’ and ‘up’, and went to slice some more cake and pour a cup of tea. “Your niece is here,” she called to Merle.

“Oh right. Sorry Caroline, I asked if she’d give us a ride home! I lost track of the time.”

“Oh, it’s no bother. The kids are happy to see her.”

Eventually the children let Rebecca escape and she came over and flopped herself down on the grass by Caroline and Merle.

“Hi Aunt Merle. Let me know when you’re ready to go.”

“I thought you wanted some cake?” Caroline said, handing her a plate. “Your tea’s gone cold though.”

Rebecca didn’t respond for a while, as her mouth was filled with cake. “Wow. Did you make this? This is great. I love lemon.”

Caroline got abruptly to her feet. “I’ll go get you a fresh cup.” She headed back into the kitchen. After a moment, Rebecca followed after her.

“Caroline, I’m sorry. I’m obviously making you uncomfortable. I’ll go wait in the car. I told Aunt Merle I needed to make some calls.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s fine. You’re fine.”

“It’s not fine though.” Rebecca said in a quiet voice. “Is it?”

“You’re just…you remind me of her. Sometimes.”

“Oh.”

“Not the way you look or sound. But sometimes you’ll say or do something, and I’ll think – ‘Kate’. I can’t explain it.”

“Oh.”

“You’re kind. And you’re so upbeat and positive.”

“I’m sorry.”

“She was like that.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t help it.”

“She wasn’t annoying though.”

“You want me to be more annoying? I can try. If it’ll help. I could try to be a jerk.”

Caroline laughed. “Oh god, don’t do that. Then you’ll remind me of my ex-husband, and we’ll _really_ have problems.” She took a deep breath. “Look, it’s not your fault, or anything you’re deliberately doing. It’s me. I miss her, more than ever just now.”

“I’ll back off.” Rebecca said. “You don’t need a friend who makes you uncomfortable.”

“No, don’t do that. Just…will you let me just find my feet again?”

“Of course.”

“I’m not always an emotional wreck.”

“You’re not though! Not even close. I can’t tell you how-“

“Don’t. Don’t be kind to me right now, okay? Please?”

“Okay. Sorry. I’ll go wait in the car. Because it’ll be hard for me to not be-“

“Right. Okay.” Caroline backed away, and hurried back to the garden, where Merle and Mary were gathering up their respective children. “Time we should be getting on.” Mary said cheerfully. “I need to get this little man in the bath.”

When she’d returned from seeing her friends off at the door, she found that William had marshaled Lawrence and Angus into helping clear up and Gillian was getting Calamity ready for the journey back to the farm. It had been worked out that she’d drop William off at the train station on her way. Angus, Alan and Celia were staying the night in Harrogate, and Lilly was already running a bath for Flora. Life continued, rolling along its regular track.

She tried talking to Kate that night. She told her about the day, about how much she’d been missed, how nice it was to see Calamity and Flora play like sisters, and how happy she’d been to have all three of their children there together. There was still no ‘visit’, but there were no tears either, and she felt a sense of peace that she hadn’t for a long time.


	5. Chapter 5

> _those I care for best, do me_
> 
> _Most harm_

 

 

The next morning Caroline and Flora were playing in the living room when Celia popped round. If there was one thing you could rely on with Celia, it was that she’d get right to the point.

“That Rebecca person, is she your new…girlfriend…or whatever you call it?”

_“What?”_

“Well, is she?”

“I don’t even know if she likes women! I’ve only just met the woman! And besides-”

“Well she does.”

“What?”

“Like women.”

“How could you possibly know that?”

“I asked that artist woman – Merle?”

“That’s her aunt.”

“Yes. Well. I thought it was a bit strange, how she just showed up here, taking over the children like that.”

“Two of those children are her _nieces_! And Flora loves her! She’s her doctor—why am I even trying to explain myself to you? You are being ridiculous!”

Flora may not have understood the words being said, but she certainly could pick up on the emotional current in the room. Her little face started to pout, then to frown, and at Caroline’s last statement, hissed out between clenched teeth, she started to cry.

“Oh great. Now you’ve upset Flora too!”

“I’m not the one bringing strange women into this house to replace-“

Caroline leapt to her feet, somehow managing to keep from dumping Flora off her lap, and held up a warning hand. “Not a word more Mum. I mean it.”

“I’m just saying-“

“I’m leaving.”

Caroline strode from the room, grabbed her car keys, and headed out to the Jeep. She put Flora in her car seat and gunned down the driveway before coming to an abrupt halt at the gate, taking a few deep breaths, and then continuing at a more sedate pace. She grabbed her phone, and dialed a number.

“Caroline! Hel-“

“What are you doing?”

“Umm. Having a coffee.”

“Where?”

“That little café by the market-“

“The one with the ‘amazing fry-ups’?”

“Yes.”

“You up for some company?”

“Of course. Are you okay? You sound-“

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes. Can you wait?”

“Absolutely.”

She was marginally calmer by the time she’d parked and offloaded Flora and found the café. True to her word, Rebecca was waiting at a little table under an umbrella. She’d ordered a pot of coffee and there was a small glass of milk with a straw for Flora.

“I assumed you’d bring her.” Rebecca said

“She’s not quite at the straw stage yet.” Caroline said as they settled down. “But thank you for thinking of her.”

“Are you okay?”

“Are you gay?”

“Umm. Yes. That’s not a problem is it?”

“Sorry, I’m sorry. I’m just really upset.”

“With me?”

“No. My mother. She asked me if you were my….if we were…”

“Oh.”

“Is that what this is about – you being around all the time?”

“No! Look, really. I want to be a friend.”

“Right.”

“I’m not looking for a _girl_ friend.”

“Okay.”

“Not that you’d not make a good girlfriend. I’m sure you’d be great.”

“I am _not_ looking. Either. I mean – if you were wondering.”

“Right.”

“Okay.”

“So that’s settled.”

“Yes.”

“Your mother is-“

“An interfering old woman.”

“And wrong.”

“Yes.”

“Good. So, umm. How about some breakfast?”

“I left the house without my purse!”

“That’s ok. I’ve got a semi-decent job. I can afford to buy you some coffee and a scrap of bread.”

“Oh god. Speaking of. Would you take Flora back on? As a patient? Please?”

“Of course.”

“Really? You’re not just saying that to be kind?”

“It’s fine. Really. She’s my favourite patient.”

“You’ve only seen her the one time.”

“Yes I know. She’s awesome. She got better, didn’t she? Are you okay though, with the…other thing?”

“You mean you reminding me of Kate?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll be okay.”

“And if you’re not, just tell me, and I’ll leave. Okay?”

“I can’t promise it’ll be easy going.”

“I did tell you I like a challenge, right?”

 

Rebecca didn’t become a fixture in their lives, but Caroline didn’t keep from ever seeing her either. They started with brief coffee mornings, which often ended abruptly, when Caroline found herself staring into a sudden abyss of pain and guilt. Slowly, these coffee mornings turned into slightly longer breakfasts, as Caroline got more accustomed to the pang that Rebecca’s Kate-like qualities caused. Then the breakfasts morphed into lunches, sometimes in small cafés, but occasionally at the house. And Caroline still noticed the qualities that reminded her of Kate, but that recognition came with less and less pain and guilt, until finally she was able to accept that Rebecca and Kate shared some traits, but they were very different women, and that it was okay to have both of them in her life.

Through all these months, Celia persisted with her disapproving looks and comments every time she saw Rebecca or her name was mentioned. She did grudgingly accept that Caroline and Rebecca weren’t a couple, but she persisted in her belief that Rebecca was some kind of predatory lesbian, and that Caroline was at great risk of being trapped in her web.

Caroline could perceive no trap however; she sensed only a genuine companionship. As the time passed, she found herself sharing her stories. She told Rebecca about the break down of her marriage to John, told her something about her relationship with Kate, and about re-discovering herself through that relationship.

“I’m not ready to try with anyone new.” Caroline told Rebecca one afternoon, as they waited for their lunch orders. “Kate was…she was everything to me.”

“Yeah, I can understand that,” Rebecca agreed. “I’m not ready to go there again either.”

“Really. So – your ‘date’ last Friday…what was her name-“

“Brenda.”

“Brenda. She was…?”

“ _Last_ Friday. This Friday I’m seeing Julie.”

“And next Friday will be somebody else I assume?”

“If I’m lucky… Oh don’t look so scandalised Caroline!”

“You can hardly blame me! Those poor women.”

“Oh, they know they’re getting damaged goods when they meet me.” Rebecca said dismissively, then sighed at Caroline’s expression. “You don’t know why I came back to Harrogate, do you?”

“Merle said you’d lost interest in research.”

Rebecca responded with a short, sharp laugh. “You could say that.” She sighed again. “I suppose I should just stop being a coward and tell you.”

“You don’t strike me as a coward.”

Another deep sigh, then, “I left research because my research partner left me.”

“You were a couple?”

“Yes. Bridget and I, we were great together. Working in the same lab by day, sharing a bed at night. I loved her. I really did. Like I never thought I’d love anyone. Then one day, I come home and find her shagging some woman in the shower.”

“Oh Rebecca.”

“Yeah. Turns out she’d been having an affair for months. Months. I was making plans for romantic weekends away, and she was having it off all over town, with this...this woman. Anyway. It broke me. I couldn’t bear the thought of being in the same building with her, let alone the same lab. It kept getting harder and harder for me to go to work. Until one morning I just curled up under my desk, right there in the middle of the lab, and refused to come out. Made my intern go and get me a box of doughnuts.”

“Doughnuts?”

“Yeah. I guess I thought the sugar would do me good? I don’t know. The Head of Department had to come get me out. He made me go home. Told me that maybe I should take a sabbatical. And a shower.”

“Oh Rebecca.”

“I know. Pathetic, right? So I came back to mum and dad.”

“It’s obviously helped, coming home?”

“It took a few weeks before I could even get out of bed. But, yeah, time and distance helped. When the chance came to fill in at the clinic, I jumped at it. I started out in practice, you know, before Bridget and the lab. It felt good to get back in harness.”

“So all your ‘girl Fridays’, they’re part of your sabbatical then.”

Rebecca grinned. “Drowning my sorrows. I don’t misrepresent myself Caroline. They know I’m just in it for the one night.”

“And they’re okay with that?”

“Hey, I’m a catch! 45-year old doctor, single, all my own teeth. On paper, I’m perfect.”

“You put it that way, I can see how you’d have to beat them off with a stick.”

“You’re quite the catch too, you know.” Rebecca teased. “Gainfully employed, mature, trustworthy-“

“You make me sound like a used car.”

“And you drive a Jeep. My goodness. Women’d flock to you all the way from Scotland, if you wanted.”

“Probably a good thing I don’t want then,” Caroline responded drily. “Seriously though, I’m sorry that Bridget was such a shit to you.”

“Yeah. Tell me I’m better off without her.”

“You _are_ better off without her! You deserve someone loyal.”

“That’s what my mum said.” Rebecca grinned.

“Wise woman, your mother.”

 

 

“You are being ridiculous,” Caroline said to her mother. “We are just going out for drinks.”

“To a _lesbian_ bar.”

“To a wine bar to meet some of her colleagues and friends.”

“Who are lesbian.”

“Mum. You do realise that _I_ am a lesbian. And so, these women will not exactly be a problem for me to be around.”

“And what about Flora?”

“Lilly is staying the night.”

“And you feel comfortable with that, do you? Going out drinking with all sorts, while your daughter stays home alone with the nanny?”

“You and Alan are right next door.”

“That’s neither here nor there.”

“Mum, you have to stop this. I am going out with a friend, to meet some other friends. There is nothing sordid about this! I am a phone call away. I can be home in half an hour.”

“A lot can happen in half an hour.”

“I _know_ that!” Caroline said in fury, “Do you really think that I, of all people, do not _know_ that?! I cannot believe, after everything we’ve been through, that you would stand there and throw _that_ in my face.”

A knock on the door interrupted Caroline’s rant. She fumed to the door and flung it open.

“Rebecca.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. My mother – she’s just…”

“Not keen on a night out?”

“She says I’m not thinking of Flora’s safety. She - oh I can’t even repeat what she said. It makes me furious.”

“Right. Grab your coat. I’ll go chat with your mum. We _are_ still going tonight, right?”

“Yes. I suppose.”

“Caroline, I will have a taxi on standby if needs be. If anything happens, we will be here before your mother can even roll out of bed. I promise.”

Still furious, Caroline went to finish getting ready, leaving Rebecca to go find Celia in the kitchen.

“Heya Celia.” She greeted her jovially. “You all right?”

“Oh, it’s you.”

“Yeah. Here to take Caroline off for a night on the town. You should come with us. May do you some good.”

“I suppose you think you’re very funny.”

“Oh, I’m dead serious, Celia. I think you should come with us. See what Caroline is really like, when she’s relaxed and happy. When she’s not worried about how she’s being judged.”

“I’m not judging her!”

“I’m going to do you the courtesy of assuming you’re not a liar. That-”

“I’m judging _you!”_

“And what have I done that is so terrible Celia, that you would hurt your daughter the way you do to keep her from me?”

“You are not our sort.” Celia said this in a sneering, dismissive tone, designed to be cutting and hurtful.

Rebecca laughed. “Is that the best you got Celia? My family has been hearing that for three generations now. And we’re still here. And you know what? We’re not going anywhere either.”

“I don’t know what Caroline sees in you, I really don’t.”

“She sees a friend,” Caroline said quietly from the doorway. “And if you can’t see what I see, then that’s your loss.”

 

In the taxi, Rebecca asked, “How much of that did you hear?”

“Most of it. The important parts.”

“I’m sorry, I was rude to her.”

“I’ve never seen anyone else stand up to her like that.”

“You do it all the time.”

“I know.”

“She’s your mum though. I’m sorry I was disrespectful to her in your home.”

Caroline patted her on the hand. “It was very chivalrous of you. To take on an old woman in my defense.”

“Oh god. I bullied an old woman.”

“You did.”

“I feel awful now.”

“Well. Don’t. She was asking for a telling off.”

“You’re really not upset with me?”

“Nope.”

“And I won’t have made matters worse for you, at home?”

“Shouldn’t think so. By morning, the story’ll be that you viciously attacked her and I just let it happen, yet more evidence of what a bad influence you are.”

“Well, she’s right about that. I am a bad influence. You say it all the time.”

“Yes, well, don’t tell my mother that!”

 

They arrived home not long after midnight, both giggling as Caroline let them into the house.

“I still can’t believe you did that.” Rebecca laughed. “I am so proud of you!”

“All I did was say ‘yes’!”

“Yes, but, that’s a huge step for you. Huge!”

“It’s just coffee.”

“With a _woman_!”

“It’s not a date-date.”

“Sure.”

“Rebecca,” Caroline said warningly, her voice sobering. “Really. It’s not a date. I told you. I’m not ready.”

“Okay. Okay. Sorry. She’s cute though.”

“You’re impossible.”

“Are you saying you didn’t notice that she’s cute?”

“Not all of us are … oh what was that horrible word you used-“

“Horndog.”

“Yes! Not all of us are horndogs like you.”

“I’d resent that remark if I didn’t resemble it so much.” Rebecca said, overly dignified. “I like sex. Sue me.”

“Shhh!” Caroline hissed warningly, looking in alarm around the kitchen, and causing Rebecca to laugh.

“Am I not allowed to say the word-“

“Will you hush! You’ll bring my mother round in no time!”

Rebecca’s response was helpless laughter. Caroline stared at her in amused annoyance. “Do you _want_ to sleep in the car?”

“No. No. Sorry. It’s your own fault though. You do realise the next time I see your mother, I am going to be trying so hard to not say,” she mouthed the word ‘sex’, “that I _will_ say it.”

“I _will_ ban you from this house!” Caroline warned in an ominous tone. Which only elicited more laughter from Rebecca. They were so caught up in their faux-argument that neither of them noticed Celia in the doorway until she spoke.

“Well this is a fine way to carry on.”

Rebecca and Caroline spun in unison to face her. Rebecca took one look at Celia’s affronted face and fought back her laughter. Caroline had gone from easy amusement to worry in the space of a few seconds. “What are you doing here Mum? Is everything all right?”

“No thanks to you.”

“What are you talking about? Is Flora-“ She was already half-way to the stairs when Celia interjected, “She’s fine. I didn’t like the idea of her being alone in the house, so I came round here till you got back.” This didn’t stop Caroline’s progress upstairs; she needed to check on Flora regardless.

“She wasn’t alone.” Rebecca’s voice was low and tight with anger.

“Oh right. I suppose _you_ would think of a nanny as a good enough substitute for a mother.”

“You’re scaring Caroline for no good reason.”

“A mother _should_ worry about her child. But then, I don’t expect you to understand something like that.”

“A mother shouldn’t be too terrified to leave her child in the care of a responsible adult for few hours!”

“You’re only saying that because you want to get Caroline to yourself, for whatever mucky reasons-“

“Celia, do you really not realise what you’re doing to her? To your own daughter?”

“I’m looking out for her best interests!”

“You’re keeping her from being whole!”

“She doesn’t need _you_ to be ‘whole’!”

“Mother.” Caroline’s voice was weary. “You should go.”

“Is that the thanks I get? For looking after my granddaughter?”

“Flora’s fine. She’s sleeping. Lilly’s right there if she needs anything. Thank you for staying. Now you need to go.”

“That’s the last time I try to be helpful.” Celia said angrily, as she flounced out of the kitchen, taking all the earlier laughter out of room with her.

“I apologise in advance for saying this, but she’s a piece of work, your mum.” Rebecca said bitterly.

Caroline responded with a tight smile. “She’s very fond of you too.”

“Sorry. Do you want me to leave?”

“What? Why?”

“All that stuff she said – about me being bad for you – I don’t want to be-“

“You need to stop being ridiculous. The spare room is made up for you. We should try to get some sleep.”

 

Rebecca wasn’t someone who slept in, not even after a late night, and the argument with Celia meant that sleep didn’t come easily to her. So she was in the kitchen before 7:00, making pancakes. Lawrence found her, still in a borrowed set of Caroline’s pyjamas, mixing batter and slicing strawberries at the kitchen counter.

“What are you doing here?”

“Making breakfast. You like pancakes?”

“When dad makes them.” He curled his lip. “I don’t like strawberries.”

“I’m making a batch with chocolate chips too.”

“Oh.” He settled on a stool, and watched Rebecca work. “Are you shagging my mum?” he asked abruptly.

Rebecca’s eyebrow arched, but she showed no other reaction. “Is that really your concern, who she ‘shags’? If anyone?”

“Yeah.” He snorted. “She’s my mum.”

“Are you shagging anyone?”

“That’s none of your business!” he responded angrily.

“Yeah. Well. There you go then.”

“I have a right to know about my mum!”

“Then you should ask her, right? Not me. But I’d wait till she’s at least had a cup of tea first.”

“At least Kate was polite about it.” He muttered. “ _She_ wouldn’t talk to me like that.”

“Yeah, I’m not Kate mate.” Rebecca stopped what she was doing and turned to face him. “Look Lawrence, I’m sure you’re a good kid. You’re Caroline’s son, and I have a hard time believing she’d raise a waste of space. But if you think I’m going to let you disrespect me, or your mum, to my face, you’ve got another think coming my lad. I have three brothers. There’s not a thing you can say or do that I’ve not had to deal with before. Now, I’d like us to be friends. But I don’t know about you though, if that’s what you want too. Why don’t you bring your mum a cup of tea and have a think about what I’ve said. Okay?”

To his credit, Lawrence didn’t talk back, and he took the cup she poured out and carried it carefully upstairs to Caroline’s room.

When Caroline came downstairs some time later, cradling Flora on her shoulder, Rebecca had two stacks of pancakes on the counter and fresh tea brewed.

“Oh, those look good.” Caroline said appreciatively, and let Rebecca dole out a couple of pancakes onto a plate for her. “Do you know what Lawrence asked me?” she asked with a lowered voice. “He wanted to know if you and I were dating!”

“He said ‘dating’ did he?” Rebecca responded, taking Flora so Caroline could eat.

“Yeah. He said he wouldn’t mind if we were. That you were pig-headed, but you made pancakes for breakfast so couldn’t be all bad.”

“Did you let him down lightly?”

“I did.”

“Did you tell him about your coffee not-date-date?”

“Hah. No. I’m not stupid.”

Still grinning at that, Rebecca called upstairs “Lawrence, if you want these chocolate chip things, you’d best get down here before your mum eats them all!”

They had a generally pleasant breakfast, the four of them. Even Flora had a bite of pancake, though it was the strawberries she was fondest of. Lawrence, while not effusive, was at least civil, and he and Rebecca had a stilted but genial conversation about comic books and test matches. He even helped clear up before disappearing back into his room.

“You look sad.” Rebecca said quietly, when it was just her and Caroline left. Flora was playing in her little playpen and the two women were nursing their third cups of tea.

“I was just thinking – Lawrence and Kate – I regret that.”

“What d’you mean?”

“They didn’t have the best relationship.”

“Was he not okay with you being together, or did he not approve of her-“

“He’s not come to terms with his mum being a lesbian.”

“Right.”

“He got picked on, in school.”

“Shit.”

“And Kate was – she was gentle. She didn’t act like a teacher at home. She was trying to be the ‘nice’ one to my …”

“Big scary ogre?”

“Hah. Not quite that bad. But yes.”

“He didn’t respond to ‘nice’?”

“He may have done. Eventually. They didn’t have the time to find out.”

“I’m sorry Caroline. From everything you’ve said about her, it sounds like you would have made great parents.”

Caroline’s smile was a bit watery. “Yeah. She would have been so good at it.”

Rebecca reached across and took Caroline’s hand in her own. That was how Celia found them, teary-eyed and hand holding, causing her to roll her eyes and march back out to complain to Alan about the ‘uncouth lesbian’ that Caroline was so taken up with.

Caroline watched her leave and shook her head. “I’m sorry about my mum too. Do you know, she didn’t come to the wedding.”

“Which?”

“Me and Kate.”

“Whyever not?” Rebecca sounded genuinely shocked.

“Oh I don’t know.” Caroline stood up and began putting things away. “She had some tiff with Alan. I begged her to come. But she wouldn’t.”

“I’m sorry.”

“After the … after, you know … she said she felt terrible. Couldn’t do enough for me then. But it hurt. It hurt Kate too, I know it did. But I don’t know if Mum’s ever really come to terms with it either. Her daughter being married to a woman.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. She’s from a different generation, Mum. This sort of thing doesn’t happen.”

“’This sort of thing’ meaning being supportive of your kids?”

“It’s not as black and white as that.”

“My god Caroline. Your heart is as big as the great outdoors. But there comes a time when you have to draw the line!”

“I don’t expect you to understand. She’s had a hard life.”

“Right. Ok. Fine. Let’s not argue.” Rebecca left the room to change back into her own clothes. By the time she came back down, Caroline had finished tidying up the kitchen and was working on her computer in her home-office.

“I should head out.”

“Fine.”

“Caroline…” she waited till she was looking up at her. “My parents, they’re celebrating their fiftieth. Next week. Would you like to come to dinner?”

“Oh. That’s…very kind of you.”

“It’s not a big do or anything, just family.”

“I’m not –“

“Merle and Toddy will be there. And the girls. Bring Lawrence and Flora.”

“I’m not sure that Lawrence will-“

“All the cousins will be there. He’ll have the most teenagerest night ever.”

“That’s not a word.”

“They’ve got X-boxes and inappropriate games and all that sort of stuff. He’ll have a grand time.”

“Rebecca-“

“Please? My mum’d love to meet you.”

“I can’t speak for Lawrence-“

“Of course.”

“But-“

“There’ll be good food. My family’s loud and messy, but they’re good fun.”

“Rebecca, if you’d let me get a word in edgewise! I’m trying to say yes, thank you!”

“Oh. Really? Awesome!”


	6. Chapter 6

> _I have a daughter, golden,_
> 
> _Beautiful, like a flower -_
> 
> _And I would not exchange her for_
> 
> _All the riches of Lydia......_

Caroline and Lawrence stared at the house they had just pulled up in front of. Flora, secure in her car seat, didn’t seem overly impressed. But her mother and brother were.

“You didn’t tell me she was rich.” Lawrence said, eyeing the huge sprawling manor.

“I didn’t know she – well, her parents I suppose, as this is their house. Anyway. It doesn’t matter. Be yourself, but be polite.”

“Yes Mum.”

As they were getting out of the car, the door to the house flung open and Rebecca came bounding down the steps. “You made it! I was afraid you’d get lost.”

“No, your directions were very thorough.”

“So, what do your parents do?” Lawrence asked, eyeing the house again.

“They’ve done all right for themselves, huh? Dad’s in business. It’s boring. He makes and sells these little gidgets that keep engines running. Don’t ask me. If it doesn’t bleed, I’m not that interested.”

“And your mum?”

“She was a doctor too. Retired. _Semi-_ retired I should say. She will still consult if someone asks her nicely enough, but now she mostly gardens.”

“It is a lovely garden.” Caroline said, her timing impeccable, as Rebecca’s mum was just coming to the door to greet her new guests.

“Why thank you.” She said, her welcoming smile a mirror of her daughter’s. Then she took one look at Flora, and that was the last intelligent conversation anyone got out of her for the next few minutes.

“My mum loves babies.” Rebecca whispered to Caroline, as they watched ‘Mrs. Pathan, but call me Shelley’ coo and cuddle Flora. The toddler seemed to take all the attention in her stride, and was charming Shelley to no end with her smiles and chuckles.

“I think I can see that.” Caroline said drolly. “No grandkids?”

“Three. But you know my brothers all live abroad.”

“Ah. Right.”

“You going to let us in, Mum?” Rebecca said after a while. “Or are you going to let poor Lawrence freeze out here on the steps.”

“Oh I am sorry!” She handed Flora back to Caroline and allowed them to precede her into the house.

The house was warm, music was playing, and a susurration of conversation and laughter filled the air. Rebecca called out for her young cousins, and three of them swept Lawrence away, chattering with him as though they were old friends.

“The young ones are through here,” Rebecca led Caroline to another room off the main hallway, a quieter space where Millie and Lauren and a couple of other babies were playing under Merle’s watchful eye.

“You’ll have to take us as you find us,” Rebecca said to Caroline. “It’s not often we all get together like this. We’re a bit scattered to the winds.”

“Are your brothers here?”

“Oh aye. All of them. Including Sean – who went to Sulgrave. He’ll be talking your ear off all night if you let him. And Max, he and Marcia are probably in the garden. He misses gardens, living in Dubai. Philip’s at the bbq with Toddy, and –“

“Ok. Hold on. I am _not_ going to remember all these people’s names!”

“Don’t worry. No one will expect you to!” Rebecca laughed. “We’re used to new visitors being a bit overwhelmed. I did remember to warn you we’re loud and messy, right?”

“Yeah. You weren’t kidding either.”

It was difficult at first for Caroline. She was accustomed to more muted and restrained family get-togethers. Even the outrageous things Gillian often said and did were delivered in hushed tones and in quiet corners. Rebecca’s family did nothing in corners, it seemed their every emotion was worn loudly and clearly on their sleeves. She had unconsciously thought of Rebecca as an aberration; believed her breeziness and irreverence made her some kind of exotic, unique creature. But here, in the home that had given her roots, Caroline could see that she was really just a product of her family dynamic.

Underneath the seeming brashness though, Caroline began to notice the warmth, the same generosity of spirit that Rebecca brought to their friendship. As she relaxed into the familiarity of that feeling, she looked less for the comfort of Rebecca’s presence, who hadn’t strayed far from her side, and began to enjoy getting to know the people around her. They had moved from indoors to the garden and back again, talking to different pockets of people along the way. She met Rebecca’s father, a tall broad-shouldered giant of a man with dark eyes and grey just starting to shoot through his curly hair; her brothers, two of them as big as their father and one as diminutive as Shelley, but all three with the same cheeky grins; she met aunts and uncles and nieces and nephews and in-laws, all of them varied in appearance and background, but very similar in the amiability with which they greeted and engaged her and Rebecca.

Now they were in a small sitting room where a small group had gathered to get away from the hubbub of the rest of the house and garden. Caroline was remembering about three in five names, which everyone told her was very good, much better than most new people managed. She was talking to a young woman named Sandra – she’d forgotten her relationship to Rebecca – who was in her third year at Oxford. The girl was filled with fire and passion, and she was matching Caroline in their discussion of politics and philosophy. Other conversations ebbed and flowed around them, no one else interested in debating the finer points of universalism and how it applied to education. Rebecca was next to Caroline on the sofa, leaning back into the cushions and listening to their conversation but not saying much. She was having more fun watching Caroline argue out her points and match wits with the younger woman. Sandra was on the floor in front of them, sitting cross-legged on the thick carpet. Suddenly she leaned forward and poked Rebecca in the knee.

“You sure you two aren’t together?”

“Yeah. I’ve said already.”

Sandra turned to Caroline, “So, you’re available then?”

“Well, I’m not sure if I’d say ‘available’-“

“You’re seeing someone?”

“Not as such.”

“So, if I were to ask you out-“

“Wait! What?” Rebecca spluttered. “You can’t do that, Sandra!”

“Why not?

“Well –“

“I’m more than twice your age!” Caroline interjected, trying to keep the laughter out of her voice.

“So?”

“You’re about my eldest son’s age!”

“I’m sure he’s very nice, but I’m not interested in dating him, Caroline.”

“I wasn’t… Oh Sandra, you’re very sweet, but-“

“If it’s just the age thing, that really isn’t a big deal you know.”

“It’s not…just the age thing.”

“Is it because I disagreed with your assessment of Snauwert’s article?”

Rebecca shook her head. “Sandra. You do realise that you can’t just debate a woman into your bed, right?”

Sandra shrugged. “It’s worked before.”

“Maybe when you’re eighteen!”

“Oh all right. No hard feelings?” She said to Caroline.

“No. No. None at all.”

“Right.” She unfolded herself from the floor. “I’m going to get another drink. Let me know if you change your mind, okay?”

When she’d left, Caroline turned to look incredulously at Rebecca, who didn’t look entirely un-shocked herself.

“My god. Your family.”

“That wasn’t my fault!”

“I didn’t say it was! But it’s like every single one of you just … do you ever think about, I don’t know … consequences? Propriety”?

“I thought she was very polite.”

“Oh, no. She was. That was the politest come-on I’ve ever had from a twenty year old.”

“Twenty-one.”

“Oh. Well. That makes a complete difference. Hang on, I’ll just get her back and see how she’s fixed for Saturday.”

Rebecca started to giggle, and that set Caroline off too. When they’d sobered a bit, Caroline said thoughtfully “Meeting your family does explain a lot about you.”

“Oh good.”

“No offence, but I’ve never seen a more … diverse family gathering.”

“Ah yeah. We’re the United Nations of families.”

“I was an only child. No cousins or aunts or uncles. Just me and mum and dad. I don’t know how I’d’ve survived in an environment like this.”

“You wouldn’t just have ‘survived’, Caroline,” Rebecca said earnestly, “You would have _thrived_.”

Caroline patted her hand fondly, then said carefully, “Do you mind, if I ask you something?”

“Sure. Anything.”

“Feel free to tell me it’s none of my business.”

“Caroline – just ask me.”

“I’m trying to work out… well, I mean…” She took a deep breath. “Kate was Nigerian, and it’s obvious that Flora and I aren’t…the same. Your mum and dad … you and your brothers… Oh I don’t know how to say this without offending! Forget I asked.”

“No, it’s no problem. I think I understand what you’re asking. I’m not offended.” Caroline looked relieved. “I’m not sure this is the time or place though!” Rebecca continued. “You know what these guys are like. You’d get ten different opinions on the colour of grass.”

“Well, there _are_ lots of different types of grass.”

“Oh god. You’re one of us.” Rebecca laughed. She stood up and pulled Caroline to her feet. “Come on outside – less chance we’ll be interrupted. I guess a little family history lesson may help.”

 

The story Rebecca told was of a family of immigrants who had come to England from the far-flung corners of what had once been the British Empire. Her maternal grandmother had arrived when she was a teenager, a maid to a wealthy family who had left India with two young babies. Soumaya, her of the home-made linen handkerchiefs, had fallen in love with a young English labourer, and much to the fury of her father, had married him. Her father never spoke to her again, and he’d allowed none of her family to contact her either. Rebecca told Caroline of the price the couple had paid; how her grandmother had been spat at in the street; how her grandfather had to leave his wife and children to find a place that would employ him; how her mother and her brothers and sisters had grown up getting as much abuse as kindness from their neighbours; how they had learned to fight – with fists and words – to stand up for their family.

The story of her paternal side wasn’t much different, except her father’s father had risen from wealthy West-Indian roots, and moving to England had come with a steep learning curve of how to be poor, and what it felt like to go cold and hungry. It was a lesson his children had translated into success in business and industry through sheer hard work.

“We come from strife.” Rebecca said finally. “Nothing my grandparents did was easy; but we all learned their lessons well. You fight for yourself. You stand up and be counted. And your family stands with you. No matter what.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“It’s not though. We have our black sheep and our bad moments – like any family. But we know we’re all in this together, know where we belong. Doesn’t matter what you look like, or where you came from. If you’re one of us, you’re one of us.”

“Your mum and dad – they’re ok with all your life choices?”

“They wish the boys hadn’t left England, of course, but they understand.”

Caroline’s voice was very quiet when she said, “I want this. For Flora. I want her to feel about me the way you do for your family. But … I’m afraid I won’t be able to give her that. I love her but I’m not sure that’s going to be enough.” She continued, even more quietly, “I know my mum loves me.”

“Oh Caroline.” Rebecca reached out and hugged her. Caroline allowed the physical intimacy for a few moments then stepped back. Rebecca let her go, but her voice was as warm as any hug when she said, “You are a wonderful mother. I don’t know how you manage it, honestly, seeing the role model you had.” She ignored Caroline’s instinctive frown and protest of “She’s not that bad”, and ploughed on. “Look at your boys. Have you ever not been there for them? Flora will get the best type of parenting any kid could hope for. She’ll know she’s loved _and_ accepted.”

“It’s shocking how easily you can make me cry.” Caroline complained, turning away so Rebecca couldn’t see her face.

“It is shocking.” Rebecca said somberly. “It’s like no one’s ever told you how great you are.”

“Right. Enough. I’d rather go fend off Sandra’s advances again.”

Recognising the signs, Rebecca backed off the topic, and they got through the rest of the evening without further incident.

 

A couple of evenings later, as Caroline was having a glass of wine in the kitchen after a particularly rough day at work, Celia came in and tried to start up a conversation.

“Lawrence tells me you all had a grand old time at Rebecca’s place.”

“Her mum’s and dad’s place.”

“Right. He said they’re rolling in it.”

“They’ve done okay for themselves.”

“Big do, was it?”

“Just family.”

“You’re not-“

“Mum, did you want something in particular? Only I’ve had a very long day, and I’m in no mood for your sniping about Rebecca.”

“I don’t want to start anything. I was just curious is all.”

Caroline tilted her head and watched her mother fuss about the counter, straightening bits and pieces. “Mum,” she said thoughtfully, “are you proud of me?”

“What kind of a silly question is that?”

“It’s not silly. Are you? Proud of me. Of me – of the fact that I’m good at my job. That I was married to an intelligent, beautiful woman – however briefly. That I have this incredible little girl. When you think of all that, are you proud of me?”

“Why are you asking me this now?”

“Because I want to know Mum. I want to know what you think of me.”

“I love you.”

“I know. I know you love me. But are you proud of me?”

“Why does that even matter? You don’t have to be _proud_ of your kids-“

“I’m proud of the boys. I think they’re smashing. Both of them. I am _so_ proud of them. I’ll never not tell them that. Unless they’re being daft, which heavens knows they can be. But other than that. If you were to ask Lawrence right now ‘is your mum proud of you’ – he’d say yes.”

“He’d think I was daft for asking!”

“Well, yes, he would probably. But he’d still say yes. Because he’d know, you see. He’d know. I don’t know, Mum. So I’m asking. Are you proud of me? Are you proud of your lesbian, single-mother, daughter?”

“This is a silly question, and I’m not – I’m not going to stand here and let you…”

“It’s okay to say you’re not, Mum.” Caroline said, her voice sad. “I just want to know.”

“I suppose Rebecca’s mum is proud of her!”

“So was Kate’s mum.”

“Is that what this is about? You want me to feel guilty about how I feel? Well, I’m not! There’s nothing wrong with me having an opinion!”

“No, you’re right. You can have all the opinions you want. But you won’t have them around Flora.”

“What do you mean? She’s my granddaughter!”

“You can look down on _me_ all you want, Mum. I’m a big girl. I can take it. I don’t _need_ your approval anymore. But if I ever get so much as a hint that you’re doing the same to Flora – if she turns out to be something that you don’t like, and if you treat her the way you treat me – that will be the last day you ever see her. Or see either of us. I’m serious Mum.”

She put her wineglass down on the counter and turned and walked out of the kitchen, leaving a slack-jawed Celia in her wake.


	7. Chapter 7

 

 

> _Again love, the limb-loosener, rattles me_
> 
> _bittersweet,_
> 
> _irresistible,_
> 
> _a crawling beast._

 

 

It was a bright Saturday morning in the park, and Caroline and Flora were spending it with Rebecca. Merle and Mary both had taken their children to different entertainments today; Merle to a family party and Mary’s daughter was visiting and they were having a family outing.

A few weeks had gone by since Caroline had delivered her warning to Celia. Her mother had responded by withdrawing to Halifax with Alan, and they hadn’t returned to Harrogate since. Gillian had called Caroline up, reporting how upset Celia was, how misunderstood and threatened she said she felt. Caroline waited for the flutter of guilt she usually felt in these circumstances, but for the first time since her doomed wedding day, her mother elicited no feelings of leniency or tolerance.

“They’re both welcome here at any time; they know that. But she knows why I said what I did.” Caroline had said with finality, refusing to be drawn. “And she knows I mean what I said. I won’t be swayed. Not this time.”

With Flora’s birthday only two weeks away, Caroline wasn’t having the same dark moments as the previous year. She had started rituals she was happy with last year, and knowing that had eased her mind this year. It was still a time of somber reflection, of her thinking about Kate and what might have been, but there was less pain and none of the panic and fear she had felt before.

Flora was walking with much more confidence now, which meant that poor Rebecca had to dash after her a lot, picking up the protesting infant anytime she got too close to something that looked interesting – like a small dog or a thorny bush. Caroline was sitting on a blanket on the ground, trying and failing to not laugh at the pair of them. Finally, Flora seemed willing to settle down on the blanket with her mother, and soon her eyelids drooped and she fell asleep.

“It’s unfair,” Rebecca complained with the tiniest pout “How come she’s all cuddly with you, and with me it’s more like ‘catch me if you can!’”

Caroline grinned unsympathetically. “You only have yourself to blame. She sees you and all she thinks is shoulder rides, tumbling around on the ground, and lollipops.”

“Lollipops are a time-honoured custom of the medical profession!” Rebecca protested.

“A bribe, you mean.”

“That too.” Her voice suddenly sobered “Do you really think that’s all I am to her? A delivery vector for sweets?”

“No, of course not. You know she loves you. You’re like a big goofy…umm.”

“Yeah, don’t finish that thought.” Rebecca flopped over on her back and sighed deeply.

“Rough night?”

“I wish.”

“Oh dear. No girl Friday this week?”

Rebecca shook her head. “It’s been ages now.”

“You’re losing your touch.”

“Not too much sympathy please, Doctor McKenzie-Dawson, I don’t think I can take it.”

“’Ages’ is what – three weeks?”

“Two.”

Caroline burst out laughing, and Rebecca looked so affronted, that her laughter only increased. “You don’t understand!” Rebecca protested, finally joining in the laughter too.

“No. I really don’t.” Caroline sobered up enough to say. “The last time I had sex was my wed-“ She stopped abruptly and looked away.

“Shit. Sorry Caroline, I didn’t mean to bring up anything like that.”

“No, it’s fine.”

“Two years though. Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“Did you ever go that long before – like when you were married to John?”

Caroline frowned down at her. “Really?”

“What? I’m curious. You can tell me to shut up if you don’t want to talk about it.”

Caroline gave her a look that loosely translated meant ‘I can’t believe I’m telling you this’. Out loud, she said, “We had...regular … relations. John and me.”

“Ewww.”

“Oh. Very mature.”

“I’m sorry. But really. Ick.”

A comfortable silence descended; the comfort was a measure of how far their friendship had come. If you had told Caroline a year ago that she would one day be sitting in the park talking relatively easily about her sex-life (or lack thereof) with the annoying Doctor Pathan, she would have laughed in your face.

“Don’t you miss it?” Rebecca asked quietly.

“Sex with John?” Caroline spluttered.

“No! Just sex. In general.”

“I don’t think about it much.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I end up thinking about the last time, with Kate. And it just gets a bit complicated.”

“I’m sorry.”

More companionable silence. Then Rebecca said, “It is okay, you know. To want sex. To feel desire for someone … else.”

“In theory.”

“What about Belinda? Nothing there? And the woman from the Advisory Council, what’s her name, Sophia?”

“I told you. We just meet for coffee.”

“And you don’t want something more?”

“Not with them.”

“Oh.”

“I’ve never been able to do casual.”

“Right. Like – no girl Fridays for you huh?”

“Hey, if that works for you, that’s fine. But I’ve always needed … more … of a connection I guess. Love and trust.”

“I thought I had that with Bridget.”

“She really did a number on you.”

“A bit. I don’t know. I hope I can trust someone again. Mum says it’ll happen, with the right person. I just have to pay better attention to who I choose next time.”

“You can’t really choose who you fall in love with though, can you?”

“Yeah. Mum had no response to that one either.”

After a few moments of thoughtful silence, Caroline said “Change of subject?”

“Yes please.”

“Flora’s birthday.”

“Ooh yeah. Do I get a proper invite this year?”

“Yes. Of course. I was wondering if you’d dress up as a clown-“

“I’d _love_ to!”

“Of course you would.” Caroline laughed. “I was joking.”

“But I’d look great in a red nose!”

“Can you be serious for two minutes please?”

“You started it,” Rebecca huffed. “Getting my hopes up.”

“You know I want to go to the cemetery in the morning, with Flora.”

“Yes. You want me to drive you?” Rebecca sat up, suddenly serious.

“No. No. Thank you. But I would appreciate it if you’d come by the house earlier. Just to oversee things – make sure all the tables and such are sorted.”

“Sure.”

“The boys will be there, but I just need someone with a slightly more sensible head.”

“No problem.”

“Merle and Mary did it last year, but it didn’t seem fair to-“

“Caroline, I’ve said yes. I’m happy to help.”

“I know you probably have better ways to spend your-“

“Caroline. It’s fine. I will be there. Cracking the whip.”

Caroline smiled, and settled back with her sleeping daughter. As much as she gave Rebecca a hard time about being a goofball, (yet another vulgar phrase the doctor was fond of using), she knew that she could count on her to look after things.

 

On the day of the birthday party, Rebecca pulled into Caroline’s driveway and parked behind the snazzy red Lexus. Celia was just getting out of her car.

“’morning Celia!” Rebecca called out breezily.

“Oh, hello.” Celia said with so much congeniality Rebecca could almost hear it dripping off her words. ”You’re here early.”

“Coming to help out with the party.”

“That’s nice of you dear.”

Rebecca was so shocked she couldn’t think of a response until after Celia had disappeared into her little flat. When Caroline answered her door, the first words out of her mouth were “Your mum was nice to me!”

“She is trying.” Caroline conceded.

“It was kind of creepy.”

“Will you try too? Please? I know she’s not given you much reason to, but I think she really does mean well.”

“I don’t think she really means it.” Rebecca said stubbornly. “She probably just missed you and Flora.”

“Do you remember what you told me about family – ‘if you’re one of us, you’re one of us’?”

“That’s not fair Caroline! Using my own words against me like that.”

“She’s trying. Let her, okay?”

“Next thing you’ll be asking me is to be nice to John.” Rebecca grumbled.

“Hmm. No. I doubt it’ll come to that.”

While Caroline and Flora made their visit to Kate’s graveside, Rebecca and William took charge of setting the house to rights. By the time Caroline arrived home, her eyes red-rimmed and her face somber, there were streamers and balloons festooning the garden and house, brightly covered tables scattered across the lawn, and plates of fancy party-foods lined up neatly on the kitchen counter. Rebecca stood back and let William hug his mum.

“Difficult morning?” he asked quietly.

Caroline patted his face gently. “A little. But it will be all right.”

Rebecca waited until William had taken Flora out into the garden before she asked, “ _Are_ you okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. I didn’t realise…it just hit me a little harder than I expected.”

“Grief’s weird like that,” Rebecca agreed. “It can come sneaking back on you when you least expect it.” She gave Caroline a brief hug, and Caroline smiled.

Perched on a stool while Caroline baked, Rebecca tried her best to keep the mood cheerful. She told her best jokes, the ones that made Caroline groan and cringe, sang along loudly and off-key to the songs on the radio, and kept sneaking tastes of the lemon icing as Caroline mixed it. Rebecca had noticed months ago that the more annoying she was, the more distracted Caroline got and the happier she became. She’d never tell her of course how deliberate a strategy it was. But if being an annoying git meant she got a cheerful Caroline, she’d play court jester all day long. As her piece de resistance, just as the handful of guests started arriving, Rebecca pulled a bright red clown’s nose out of her pocket and jammed it on her face.

“You are _impossible!”_ Caroline laughed.

‘Success!’ Rebecca thought to herself. She worried about her friend sometimes, and she was glad that she was able to bring some ease to her when she was sad. True, the sad moments had lessened significantly over the year she had known Caroline, but they still cropped up from time to time. Rebecca had made it her personal, but undisclosed, mission to show Caroline the support that seemed so lacking in her family. Rebecca herself had supportive family to spare, and she thought it a tragedy that a woman like Caroline found herself trying to cope on her own so often. As she helped hand out sandwiches and cups of tea, Rebecca noticed that Celia did seem to be trying harder to be nicer and more accepting of Caroline and her friends. She hoped for Caroline’s sake that this was a genuine attempt to change, and resolved to do nothing that may jeopardise it. As she took the plate of cake that Caroline handed her, Rebecca noticed how the sun caught in Caroline’s hair and how the light turned her eyes bluer than usual. Caroline was smiling, a soft, contented smile, and the sight of it lifted Rebecca’s heart. Later still, after they’d cleared up and the guests had left, Caroline was getting a sleepy freshly-bathed Flora ready for bed. There was so much quiet happiness in her face, her voice low and warm as she cradled her daughter. The bottom seemed to suddenly fall out of Rebecca’s world, and she had to sit hurriedly down on a chair. Caroline glanced up at the abrupt movement, her warm gaze on Rebecca now.

“Are you okay?”

Rebecca could only nod, her voice caught in a suddenly constricted throat.

“Tired?”

Nod.

“Sorry. We really worked you today!”

Shrug of the shoulders. “No problem,” she managed in a hoarse croak. She cleared her throat and tried again. “I should go.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah sorry. Just – tired.”

She left the house as quickly as politely possible and went straight to her parents’ home. She found her mother weeding in the garden.

Shelley glanced up when she noticed her daughter. “Hello love. Didn’t expect to see you today. Is everything all right?”

“I’ve done something really stupid, Mum.” Rebecca said forlornly.

“Oh?” Her mother stood up, dusting dirt off her hands and led her eldest child to sit on a bench by the hedge. “Tell me about it. Are you in trouble?”

Even as she sat down, Shelley could see Rebecca hold her body tense and curled up, like she was preparing herself for a blow. “I’ve fallen in love.”

“That’s not stupid, love,” her mother responded immediately, without thinking. Rebecca dissolved into tears. “Oh my dear,” Shelley put her arms awkwardly around her daughter, finding it difficult to hold her stiffened body.

“Yes it is. It is!” she heard Rebecca mumble. “You warned me to choose better.”

“Oh. Oh I see. Who are we talking about here, love?”

“Caroline.” Rebecca said on a sob.

“Oh.”

Rebecca glanced up. “You don’t sound surprised.”

“Well.” A pause. “Is this really such a bad thing?”

“Yes it is, Mum! Almost from the moment I met her all I said was I want to be her friend. She’s trusted me. And now…now…I can’t even…” Her voice trailed off.

“What happened? Today I mean. Because yesterday you weren’t-“

“I don’t know! I was just there in her house, and she was so happy, and everything was just…and I just looked at her…and boom, just like that. It just hit me. I didn’t know what to do.”

“I take it you didn’t tell her? About this epiphany.”

“No! I just…ran away really. I came here. I can’t tell her. I can’t. I couldn’t bear to.”

“Maybe it was just something in the moment. You know how sometimes things feel much bigger than they are, because you’re tired or-“

“No, no. You don’t…The whole way over here Mum, it kept just…unfolding. I love her. I do. Oh I’m such an idiot!”

“Well, again, is this such a bad thing?”

“Yes! She doesn’t _want_ a girlfriend Mum. She wants a _friend._ Someone she can rely on, someone who…who is just _there_ for her…platonically. She’s been very clear. She’s got no interest in a romance. And now, now I’ve gone and betrayed her trust by-“

“Love is not a betrayal.”

“I can’t tell her. I couldn’t take it. She’d be disappointed. She’d probably be kind to me, let me down gently. But she’d feel betrayed.”

“Oh Rebecca. I think you are selling yourself a little short here.”

“I can’t tell her, Mum. I won’t.”

“So what will you do?”

“I don’t know. Hide?”

“You’re not a little girl anymore ‘Becca. There’s not a lot of hiding places left to you. Talk to her.”

“I can’t.”

“So you’re just going to disappear? Stop seeing her?”

Rebecca nodded. It seemed like the only way out. “Until this feeling passes.”

 

It was Thursday before Caroline called her. Rebecca stared at her phone for a moment, Caroline’s name and number flashing on her screen like an accusation. ‘Stop being a coward,’ she admonished herself, took a deep breath and accepted the call.

“Hi, Caroline.”

“Hello. Sorry Rebecca, but I’m just checking…if you’re okay?”

“Yeah, fine.”

“Oh good. It’s just, we haven’t seen or heard from you … in a while. I was a bit worried.”

“Sorry. Just really swamped. At work.”

“Oh. Okay.

“Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. It’s just…Flora misses you.”

“Shit. Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, really. Are you sure you’re okay? You sound a bit…down.”

“Flu season. Germy kids everywhere.”

“Hazards of your profession eh? So, we won’t see you on Saturday then? At the park.”

Shit. “No. Sorry. I can’t-“

“That’s fine. Let me know when things ease up a bit, maybe we can take her for a walk up on the moors. Help clear your head a little.”

“That sounds good Caroline. It really does. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“I miss..her too.”

“I’ll let her know.”

Rebecca could hear the smile in Caroline’s voice as she rang off. It made her feel like the lowest of cowards.

 

“Well you _are_ being a bit cowardly,” Merle said to her on Saturday evening. “Think about how Caroline feels.”

“Was she okay?” Rebecca couldn’t help herself asking.

“What do you think, ‘Becca. If your good friend suddenly started avoiding you and stopped calling, what would you think was going on?”

“That I did something wrong.”

“Right.”

“Shit.”

“She asked me about you. At the park today. Flora asked about you too!”

“Shit.”

“Look, I’m not telling you what to do ‘Becca. But think about it, okay? Is this the way you want to end it with Caroline? With her thinking that she’s upset you somehow?”

“Shit.”

 

Her mind in turmoil and her stomach a mass of butterflies, Rebecca knocked on Caroline’s door. Caroline answered the door with Flora on her hip, which made saying the first awkward helloes a little simpler, because Flora flung herself at Rebecca happily calling out her name. It was easy to not look Caroline in the eye when her focus could so logically be applied to tickling Flora and throwing her up in the air as she squealed in delight. Eventually though Caroline had to reclaim her daughter, and calm her down as she got her ready for bed. Rebecca helped, falling back into the easy routine that they’d followed so many times before, and by the time Flora had settled in her cot, and been read to, and been given her last kiss goodnight, Rebecca had found a level of calm.

They went into the kitchen, where Caroline was putting the finishing touches to a late supper. Lawrence was spending the night at a friend’s home, and so she had been intending to have a quiet night in curled up with a book. “You’ll stay for supper?” she asked Rebecca. “There is plenty.”

“I…I need to tell you something.” Rebecca’s courage was failing her, and she knew that if she didn’t do this now, she’d bottle it and run again.

“Okay. Fine. Do you want a glass of wine?”

“I…I…think I love you.”

“Right. Glasses of wine for both of us then.”

“No Caroline. Really. I’m in love with you.”

“Is this some kind of joke, Rebecca? Because I’m not getting it.”

“I’m serious. I’m sorry. But I do. Love you, I mean.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You keep apologising.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to think that I’ve been lying to you, or … or manipulating you or using our friendship-“

“How long.”

“What?”

“How long have you felt this way?”

“Oh. I don’t know. I noticed on Saturday.”

“What, last week? At Flora’s party?”

“Yeah. We were in here, and you were just…and it was so…and then boom, ton of bricks.”

“Really?”

“I know. It bloody terrified me.”

“You ran away.”

“I did.”

“Oh.”

“Sorry.”

“Is that why you haven’t been around lately?”

“Yeah. I feel horribly guilty! I know you aren’t interested. And I’d been saying from the beginning that I’m only after friendship. And now this! I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to put my foot in it again.”

“You could’ve told me.”

“Yeah. Mum said that too.”

“Oh. Your mum knows.”

“Yeah.”

Without another word, Caroline opened a bottle of wine and poured two healthy glassfuls.

“Right. Okay.” Caroline said, after taking a long sip. “So, what are we going to do about this?”

“I don’t want to not see you or Flora anymore.”

Caroline put her hands to her face “Oh god. Flora.”

“I know! I’m sorry. I can’t help the way I feel.”

“I’m not blaming you Rebecca.” Caroline said tiredly. “It’s just unexpected.”

“Tell me about it.”

“We can sort something out, surely.” Caroline said thoughtfully, “She’ll be heartbroken if you stop coming around. Maybe we can work out visitation times or something.”

“What, like alternative weekends supervised by a neutral party?” Rebecca grinned at how absurd it sounded. “We’re not getting a divorce, Caroline!”

“Yes I know! I’m trying to make sense of this!”

“Sorry.”

“Why can’t you come ‘round like normal?”

Rebecca shrugged. “I don’t know. Would you be uncomfortable?”

“Are you going to start acting any differently?”

“I don’t know! I’m not going to jump you or anything like that, if that’s what you’re worried about!”

“Oh. So this isn’t a _physical_ thing for you.”

“Oh, it’s physical.” Much to both their surprise, Caroline’s face flushed, and Rebecca hastened to add, “It’s not _just_ physical though. It’s not like you’re a…a…girl Friday for me.”

“Right. Well, that’s something at least.”

“There’s nothing casual about the way I feel.”

“Oh Rebecca.” Caroline said softly. “Maybe we should take some time, to think about this. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Ironic. I feel the same way, about you.”

“Okay. So, let’s just take it easy for a bit.”

“Till I find my feet again.”

“Right.”

 

After Rebecca had gone, Caroline pottered about for a bit, her mind not really able to settle on one thing long enough for her to read or watch the news. She checked on Flora a couple of times, straightened some paintings on the wall, and rearranged drawers in the kitchen. As she wandered through the house she noticed for the first time how many bits and pieces of Rebecca it contained. The small mountain of books and toys she’d bought Flora, a ‘new and improved’ child’s thermometer which she swore was better than anything else on the market right now, a book she’d brought her that sat by the sofa where Caroline had intended to read that night, an umbrella decorated with a hideous comic book character which she’d forgotten by the front door one day and which Lawrence had now claimed as his own, a scarf that Caroline had liked so much, she’d unwound it from her neck and insisted she take it; small knick knacks really, not amounting to much by way of volume or weight. But measured against what Rebecca had told her, they were evidence of a very complicated story.

Caroline finally settled on a chair in the living room from where she could see her wedding picture. The picture captured a moment in time when she and Kate had been happy, contented and safe. There had been no doubts in their minds in that moment. They had been looking into the camera, smiling – laughing really – with unassuming but confident joy. Quiet tears started to fall from Caroline’s eyes.

“You’d have liked her,” she whispered quietly. “You’d have liked her before I did.”


	8. Chapter 8

 

> _Stand up and look at me, face to face_
> 
> _My friend,_
> 
> _Unloose the beauty of your eyes....._

 

 

Caroline waited two weeks before seeing Rebecca again. Flora hadn’t had to wait that long though, as between her and Merle they had arranged play dates with Ben and the twins where Rebecca had joined in while Caroline had lunch with Mary or one of her other friends. If all else failed, at least she knew that Flora wouldn’t have to lose another person she loved.

But Caroline also knew she couldn’t put off this discussion forever, and it was probably better to get it out of the way sooner rather than later. So she called the clinic and booked an appointment to see the doctor. Not quite neutral territory, but better than a phone call, and certainly better than either of their houses, where there were too many memories and other traps that could lead them astray from their conversation. All things considered, she decided that a cold and clinical office space was the most appropriate venue to have a discussion about how much Rebecca loved her and Flora, and what could possibly be done to ameliorate the situation.

It would have been strange to show up to a pediatrician’s appointment without a child, and so a healthy Flora accompanied her. When they were shown into Rebecca’s office, Flora babbled happily at her, telling her about their day and the big dog she had seen just outside the clinic, while Rebecca went through the rituals of temperature and physical checks.

“She’s fine,” she said in a surprised voice. “Are you noticing something I’m not?”

“No. I’m not really here for her.”

“Oh.”

“We should talk.”

“Now?”

“Yes. Are you still…umm…”

“In love with you? Yes. Two weeks won’t change that Caroline.”

“Okay. Right. So, here’s the thing. I’m very fond of you. And I was thinking what if we tried to-“

“Hold on. Wait. Don’t. Don’t do this Caroline. I don’t want … crumbs.”

“I’m not talking about crumbs! I think, if we approached this correctly, that we could really make a go of this. Give us both what we want.”

“Listen to yourself Caroline! This isn’t a contract negotiation!”

“No, of course not. I told you, I am very fond of you.”

“I don’t want ‘fond’, Caroline! I love you. Do you not believe that? I don’t want some anemic arrangement. I want to make you _happy_!”

“What you’re asking for Rebecca, I’m not sure I can give you. I’m not prepared for it. Not for me, and not for Flora.”

“Caroline, we can’t control what will happen. We can’t. All we can do is be there for each other. And that’s what I’m promising you. That I will be there.”

Caroline backed away from her, tears springing unbidden to her eyes “Will you? Always?”

Rebecca smiled brokenly. “I can’t promise that. No one can. But I can promise you that I will be there when I can, for as long as I can. _That’s_ what I’m offering you Caroline. All that I _can_ give. All that I have. I can’t promise you everything, because I don’t _have_ everything. I can only promise you everything I have. All the days left to me-”

“Stop!” The threatened tears were falling and Flora was crying in sympathy. She picked her up, rocking her to soothe her. “Please. Stop.”

“I’m sorry Caroline. I’m only telling you the truth.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this intense.”

“Yeah. I told you right, nothing I feel about you is casual.”

“Oh Rebecca.”

She placed Flora at the little table in the corner, where Rebecca had paper, colours and toys for her patients to play with. Rebecca stood by her desk, giving Caroline the space she seemed to need.

When she turned back to her, Caroline’s face had a determined look.

“I am … scared.” She’d finally admitted it. Named the biggest obstacle they faced. “I told myself for so long that being with someone else would be being disloyal to Kate, would make it seem as though she wasn’t important. But I thought about it the other night, after you left. I don’t think Kate would want me to be alone for the rest of my life. She loved me, and that meant she wanted me to be happy. Not alone and lonely.”

“Yeah.”

“But you. You are…I can’t lose you too Rebecca.”

“Damn it Caroline. I wish I could reassure you somehow. Promise you forever. But I can’t.”

Caroline traced a gentle stroke down Rebecca’s cheek. “She would have liked you. So much.”

“And you? How do you feel about me?”

Caroline smiled. “As I said. I am very fond of you.”

Rebecca sighed. Caroline wasn’t going to make this easy. “Do you miss me, when I’m not around?”

Slowly, Caroline nodded.

“Do you think about me, during your day? Wonder what I’m doing?”

Nod.

“Do you think about what it’d be like, if we…you know?” She waggled her eyebrows, and Caroline laughed.

“Sometimes.”

“Are you happy when we’re together?”

A pause, then a nod.

“Do you trust me when I say that I love you?”

A longer pause, quiet tears, and a quick emphatic nod.

“Do you trust me with Flora, and Lawrence?”

No hesitation, a forceful nod.

Rebecca’s breath caught. “Do you trust me, with you?”

Caroline took a deep breath, reached up and cupped Rebecca’s face. “I do.”

“Okay. So we have trust. That’s good. Trust is good. Trust gets us half way there.”

“Rebecca-“

“I’m going to kiss you now, okay? Because if I don’t I think my head will explode or something.”

“Rebecca-“

“Please?”

Caroline leaned forward and reached up, allowing her lips to brush agonisingly slowly across Rebecca’s mouth. Both women let out shuddering breaths, and Rebecca bent to Caroline, grazing her bottom lip, pressing their mouths together with only a hairsbreadth more pressure. Caroline’s fist clenched in Rebecca’s shirt.

Flora chose that moment to remind them of her presence, calling out “Mum!” and waving her drawing at them.

They broke apart, laughing sheepishly.

“That answers my next question.” Rebecca said, with a smug little grin on her face.

Caroline glared at her. “We aren’t going to just jump into bed now that you’ve kissed me.“

“That’s okay”

“I mean it Rebecca.”

“I know Caroline. It’s fine.”

“We’re going to take this slow.”

“I’m in no rush.”

“Really?” Caroline arched a disbelieving eyebrow. “You couldn’t go two weeks without complaining before.”

“That’s different. That was just sex. For you…for all of you…I’ll wait.”

Caroline sighed. “I can’t promise you it’ll be easy. I can’t even promise you that you’ll get what you want here Rebecca.”

“Hey. I’m not going anywhere, Caroline.”

She knew they still had challenges ahead of them. But Rebecca loved challenges, and Rebecca loved Caroline and her children, and her mother was right. Love was not a betrayal. Love was a promise. And she had promised Caroline everything she had in her to give, and she intended to keep her promise.


End file.
